No words

Today my husband and I picked up the ashes of our sweet baby girl. The stabbing pain in my chest is starting to give way to a large hole.

The day we brought our beautiful Kagura home.

Last week, I planned on (finally) starting my post series about all of our cattens, how we came to adopt them and our ongoing relationship with the Animal Welfare Society in Stellenbosch. I did not think that I would instead be dealing with the passing of my sweet angel.

I would like to write a long post about her, and post the hundreds of photos and videos we took of her in the short time she was with us, but my mental and emotional health has improved enough in the past year to know that I am not ready to do that.

The day I put her big girl collar on.

I’m taking a break from everything for a while – Facebook, blogging etc. My husband and I are focussing on getting our health back in order (physical, emotional, mental, financial etc). We were already on that path but this loss has made us even more determined.We lost a lot of time and opportunities in our lives due to other people’s fuckery, and we refuse to lose any more. I put my life on hold last year to heal from what happened to me, but that’s not really how healing works (duh). We want to move on and be happy with the little family we’ve created.

I don’t think we will ever have a sweeter kitty than Kagura. Below is the last photo I have of her, 2 days before she disappeared and 4 days before our neighbour found her body. She would sit next to me in bed and purr like a truck.

The last photo I took of her.


RIP Chester ♥

I’ve written about my relationship with Linkin Park before, but never really in detail. I had a super long post planned about the impact that Linkin Park has had on my life, mainly because of Chester. His songs have taken on new meaning to me in the last few months, although I did basically ignore their new album (not my taste, and Lord knows I’ve expanded my music tastes over the last 2 years).

I’ve thought about writing this post all day, but as I sit here now, after reading a bunch of articles and thinkpieces about what happened, I don’t really have anything to say. Except I’ll keep listening to all my favourite songs, and some of the others too, just as I have for the last 15 years. Depression is a bitch. I’m sad for what has happened, and for his family, but I’m also happy that Chester is finally at peace. ♥

Official Linkin Park Facebook cover photo today. Beautiful.


RIP Chris

So I haven’t posted on the blog in 2 months now. I have thought about it – there’s actually a bunch of stuff I’ve wanted to write about, like installing a Telkom landline (something I said I would need to swallow my pride to do), the 5 kittens we adopted (perhaps a post series is required for that), an update on my budgies, some movie reviews, how much I want to be friends with Keanu Reeves etc…

I haven’t done any of that though. But today, as I prepare for the memorial of a dear colleague, I’ve been thinking. Over the last few months, I’ve been steadily growing my FOC. I’ve been reconnecting with people who I thought were gone from my life. I’ve been redefining my relationships with others.

Since my return to Aurecon, I’ve been going through this process with my former colleagues. I’m at various stages in the process with all of them.

I’m not one for hyperbole (about people at least), but Chris was the most chilled guy around. No matter how hectic things got on projects (all the time, for every single project), he’d be like “Oh well” and get down to work. When I was losing weight during my epic revamp (the first time around), I would chat with Chris frequently about my boxing regimen. He would give me advice about techniques (he used to box at a club) and methods to maximise my calorie burn during an exercise session. I incorporated his tips into my routine when I was stuck in a plateau, and it made a big difference.

He was always willing to teach, and was always so patient – when I was starting to dabble in web development, he showed me a few things (before I went (temporarily) down a different path). After his baba was born, he’d deliver me regular photo updates, because that baby is soooo beautiful. He also got me into rap music (for a little while anyway). I’ve since compromised by no longer just putting it off, and listening to loads of EDM rap mixes.

He will be missed.



Goodbye MXit, thanks for the memories

MXit is closing down. This bums me out, even though I haven’t used it in years. In light of this sad news, it gives me the chance to tell a story that no one has heard in its entirety before.

It was early May 2006. I was preparing for my Matric June exams, and seeing as I was long finished studying (seriously, Matric was easier than I thought it would be), I was hanging out in various chatrooms on MXit.

I had been a MXit user for about 2 years by that point, but chatrooms were relatively new. In particular, they had launched a “mall” type system, consisting of different sections named after parts of a mall.

On this particular day, I was hanging out in The Yum Centre. I was in a phase where I would get people’s details in the mall (why did people just hand out their details like that?!), invite them, chat for about two weeks and then delete them. I was a teenager, whatever.

Of course, if my parents had known I was in chatrooms they would have lost their minds. Never mind that I had a blocked profile, didn’t share pics, and only ever added people (never gave my details to them). A select few garnered my IRL details, but those didn’t end up lasting long either.

I think by that point I had gone through about 2 MXit relationships, and 3 other WAP (ha!) relationships. So when I sent yet another invite to someone I briefly chatted to in The Yum Centre, (ASLR 18/M/PTA/I), it was just another green dot in my contact list.

Over the next few weeks, he would greet me every morning. He’d ask how my day at school went, how did the exam go etc. It was only after my exams were done in late June that I realised he had lasted longer on my list than any of these other randos I chatted to. By this point, he had my real number, and we would miscall each other to log in to MXit so that we could chat.

Sometime in July, he brought up the topic of asking me to be his girlfriend. My first thought was “ugh, not another MXit relationship” so I deflected for a bit. We went through the drama of “we like each other so much, but we are at opposite ends of the country” blah blah. I was getting ready for mocks at this point, and seriously, if my parents knew what was going on they would have smashed my phone in front of me and then set it on fire.

I agreed on 9 August 2006 to be his girlfriend, knowing that logically it made no sense, and would probably just kind of peter out by the time I went to university the next year. By September he was saying he loved me, and by the end of the year he was declaring that one day he would marry me. I just rolled my eyes and rolled with what was happening.

I guess I can tell this story again next year, at our wedding.


I may leave out the bit about me rolling my eyes.

The way our relationship began was merely a small sample of the drama which lay ahead. It’s been a long road to get to this point, and it still hasn’t sunk in 100% yet that this is happening for real. I suppose it will hit me properly when he actually proposes, and I wear the ring permanently as opposed to just taking it out for a photoshoot.

Someday I’ll write up the full story on here. Without MXit, I would never have met the person who is similar enough to me to make things easy, and different enough to me to keep things interesting. RIP.