What a glorious day it is today. Actually, this whole month has been quite glorious. I view October as a month of rebirth, transformation and renewal. After many months of reflection, I made a decision a few weeks ago and I’ve chosen today to as my coming out day: I am no longer a Christian.
To be honest, I was moving towards the agnostic path already over the last few years. After the big events of last year, I started questioning everything about myself. I’ve made great progress in many areas, but this part still bothered me. It’s only when I took a step back and saw how Christianity was twisted and used as a weapon against me that I realised that I needed to remove myself from it.
I have nothing against religion. As history has shown us, religion has been used for good and evil, depending on whose hands it is in. I need time to process what was done to me, so I can no longer participate in fundamentalist Christianity, nor do I want to.
I have been on a long, hard journey over the past year. My husband has been an incredible source of strength and comfort, giving me the space to find myself and rolling with the changes I’ve made. He mostly benefits anyway – I’ve become much more relaxed, no longer bound by ridiculous rules (self-imposed as well as external) and I’m much more spontaneous now. Case in point – a few weeks ago, I drove us 2 hours to have lunch, and then we drove back. Why? Just because we can, and I wanted to show him how good the food was at that place. I would never have done something like that on a whim a year ago.
The point is, I have undergone significant changes over the past year. My husband says it’s because I’m finally discovering who I really am, that my true personality is finally comfortable with emerging. He also likes to say now that he knew who I was all along, even when I didn’t, which makes me want to pinch him, but then I remember that he told me he would marry me a month after we started dating and I laughed in his face. Is the moral here that I should always listen to my husband? The feminist in me want to say no…
Anyway. The basic tenets of Buddhism have been appealing to me lately, because it echoes how we have been living our lives lately. Basically, question everything (always be learning and don’t just accept things because of “tradition”), be kind to everyone, don’t worry about useless crap like material gain, and strive to live a good fulfilling life. I’ve probably summarised it horribly, but that’s what I’ve gathered from my research. I am very hesitant to put a label on things anymore (yay for letting go of being judgemental!) so for right now I’m content with being “spiritual”.
Or I could become Pastafarian. Who knows what lies ahead!